Our skill, not our will, determines our success

How often do we find ourselves thinking that a particular problem will be solved once the other person involved makes the necessary changes? 

       “Our marriage will be better once my spouse starts [insert request here].”

       “My job would be so much easier if my coworker [insert action here].”

       “I wouldn’t be so stressed out if my children didn’t [insert behavior here].”

We seem to know exactly what we need to live a more peaceful and easy-going life. Why doesn’t everyone else cooperate?? News flash: we will perpetually be met with situations that do not go as we would have planned, with suffering and challenges, and with people who seem unwilling to change. Where does this leave us?

Mahatma Gandhi says, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.” I interpret this with two key takeaways: 

1. We have an opportunity to develop our skills in frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and flexibility to more effectively manage and cope with the challenges we routinely encounter; and

2. We have an opportunity to change our own mindset and perspective to achieve the results we are seeking

While I believe fresh starts and self-growth can happen at any time, I also enjoy the metaphorical start of a new year to help catapult new practices and mindset shifts into action. Currently, I am focused on developing my empathy and perspective taking to put myself in another person’s shoes and genuinely try to understand where they are coming from as I tend to see things from my singular point of view. Additionally, I have been keenly aware of my often self-limiting mindset and am eager to experience the changes I can enact with an intentional shift.

As you embark on your own personal journey in 2025, I encourage you to remember that it is often not our will but rather our skill that determines our success.* Which skills can you develop to better equip you to reach your important goals? What pesky mindset traps are blocking you from moving forward?

Whether it's journaling, mindfulness or reflection practices, confiding in a trusted friend, or working with a coach, find a method that best suits you as you work toward being the person you wish to be. 

Here's to the peace you choose to chase, and the joy you absolutely deserve to feel as a result. Happy New Year!

*Dr. Stuart Ablon, a renowned Harvard psychologist, coined this phrase, and it has been incredibly impactful to me. Learn more by listening to a recent podcast episode he guest-hosted on the Mel Robbins series.

The case for Positive Psychology

As we go about our days, we encounter a handful of situations that lead us to feel upset, unhappy, disappointed, angry, or various other stereotypical negative emotions. These situations could be as simple as our fast food bag missing the sauce we really wanted to dip our fries into as serious as getting unexpected news about our health. Our automatic reactions to these situations kick in, and often we let ourselves really stew in our emotions. Before we know it, we are in a bad mood and having a bad day.

But would you believe that a seemingly simple interaction leading to a negative emotional response could impact our wellbeing, our relationships, and our performance? Negative emotions, when not managed effectively, lead to detrimental psychological, physical, and behavioral effects. Negative emotions compound and prevent us from being able to cope, deprive us of motivation and energy, blind us from creativity and open-mindedness, reduce our productivity and decision-making capabilities, and unfortunately impact us in so many more ways.

The science of Positive Psychology offers an alternative way of managing these distressing situations. When we notice our negative emotions kicking in following a situation, we choose to accept the situation for what it is and move on, or to convert the situation into an opportunity to find a gift. 

Let’s explore those options a little further:

1. Accepting the situation for what it is and moving on: Often it is the refusal to accept what has happened that causes us the most distress. A situation in itself is neutral, and it is only our perception and response that determines it to be negative. More so, acknowledging that we can only control so much instead of wrestling with what we wish had happened is crucial. Choosing to accept a situation for what it is frees up your space and energy to then move on from and take productive action despite what has happened.

2. Convert the situation into an opportunity to find a gift: Two things can be true — this situation can feel really bad and there can be a learning or blessing from it. Choosing to make meaning, find opportunity, or learn something from situations that conjure up negative emotions generates positive emotions amidst challenging situations. Grief comes to mind as an example, as using this approach can support mourners in still building positive emotions while also experiencing the distressing emotions of loss. 

If you are like me, this approach may start to trigger warnings of toxic positivity. Dismissing or resisting negative emotions only builds up, increasing the likelihood of an outburst of pent-up resentment. Besides, we have every right to be upset when someone wrongs us, as opposed to turning into some kind of passive pushover. But here’s the subtle yet incredibly powerful difference: resisting or avoiding negative emotions is toxic positivity whereas regulating and choosing our reaction is productive positivity. 

Our automatic negative emotions are critical in our health, just like the pain we experience when touching a hot stove. These feelings warn us of the danger and provide us the opportunity to make our next move. But we wouldn't leave our hand on the burning hot stove, relinquishing our control to prevent further damage. Likewise, we shouldn’t sit and stew in our negative emotions either, resulting in similar self-harm. 

This approach encapsulates the opportunity within Positive Psychology. Instead of examining and dissecting and diagnosing what is going wrong, this branch of Psychology builds what is strong, enhancing positive emotions and our overall wellbeing along with it. 

The choice is yours — will you fall prey to life’s inevitable challenges, allowing your negative bias and automatic reactions to take charge? Or will you choose to manage those upsetting or frustrating situations with intention and increase your overall satisfaction and joy?

Sign up for one of Hatch Joy’s Coaching Packages today and learn how to transform the way you show up in this world.